People say I’m crazy doing what I’m doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin
When I say that I’m o.k. well they look at me kind of strange
-John Lennon, Watching the Wheels-
Today i woke up to the smell of the ocean, it’s almost real as the salt crystals forming on my mouth straight to my left lobe. It must have been because my phone’s been ringing since 3am and registered a long distance call from the sea. Suddenly my room got inundated with the lapping waves of grief, caught in the turbulence of my non-drifting. the distant wharf, old and sagging is waiting for me, looking over the streets in anticipation of my arrival. it’s been a long time already, i felt that my feet is taking roots where i am right now, which is actually not a good idea, or is it?
Then silence came, secretly.
There’s this terrible atmosphere in my waking today, the electric fan seized the opportunity to call my attention by whirring and whirring angrily, and refused to let out wind to comfort me. the floor below me shifts, the wall around me closed in embrace, outside sea creatures pounded on my door in rhythm with my heartbeat.
Suddenly, like how things came together, everything stopped, even my longing for the sea and the wide ocean was suspended.
Then i remembered that i am half awake, i then went on to haul my eyelids up to the ceiling, the distant voices became clearer, above as if inside a dancehall the CFL flickered like a firefly, i felt nauseated and vomited what remained from indigested conversations. I mumbled to remember the topics i had these past few days with strangers and semi-strangers.
I had one about fishes that silvers into the sea, a fish that doesn’t have inhibitions and swallowed everything on it’s path, consuming everything without the need for cooking. taking-in everything without the need for revolt, i remember those nights, i became the sea nearing collapse, i had no sea weeds, corals, and other creatures, not even sea current, i only have one – the fish without inhibitions, devouring me without questions, swimming so low to my depths, eating what is left of the sea that is nearing death, including the lone island on the outskirts of my water.
A riot erupted, everyone raced to where i am, and drowned themselves in riot. I don’t know what has become of them, i don’t know what happened to them, all i know is that every time a storm is brewing in my belly when leaving happens, an immeasurable turbulence will start, towering waves clashing against each other, outdoing each other in violence, drowning each other, eliminating each other in water.
Slip down the darkness to the mouth
Damn the water burn the wine
I’m going home for the very last time
-Soundgarden, Let me Drown –
Today again, in the mid morning session with my muses, i started to rekindle breathing underwater, i imagined growing fins and abandoned my feet, i went on without my heart, just gills and guts, that way i’ll swim without the same preconceptions that i’m having right now, i will have glorious scales that i will flaunt. my thought somersaulted, and i glisten under the stars, proud with all my salty secrets. I will not grow tentacles as i don’t want to know what touching is all about, nor having words for random conversations, i don’t even want to growl, i just want a different silence. i just don’t want distance, i want to go deep, until everything else will disappear around me. my sight will be blue and the world around will turn white every time i close my eyes.
That old wharf will be immaterial, those boats will be useless,, not even those lights that signals arrivals and departures will be of use. don’t look for me, i will no longer go back to where the shore will start on my palm.
photos by Blue Canopy